Straight from the dog's mouth
by hilarity.com
Summary: Everyone knows that Sirius Black is THE notorious prankster of Hogwarts. What happens when he uses his schemes to matchmake the Head Boy and Head Girl? As they say, straight from the dog's mouth!
1. Chapter 1

_**Disclaimer: **If I owned this, I'd have to be British, right? And three guesses as to my nationality? Not British! So there._

Chapter 1

Life is terribly unfair, don't you think? It's alright, you don't have to answer the question. It's one of those ones, you know? The… whaddya-call-it? Aha! That's it! The rheforical question!

"Moony, my dear, it's a rheforical question. You didn't need to answer that, you know," I tell my fellow Marauder, Remus.

He looks at me strangely, and that's when I realise. I have food in my hair.

"Sirius," he sighs. "It's not _rheforical_. It's _rhetorical_. You know? A question that is not suppose to be answered?"

"Nu-uh. I don't think so, Moony. It's _rheforical_."

"Rhetorical."

"Rheforical."

"Rhetorical."

And on goes our heated debate.

ANYWAY, back to my point. Life is very unfair, isn't it? Some are blessed with everything, while others have nothing. Personally, I think I fit into the former category. After all, I have brains, looks and a bark. In my Animagus form, of course.

Using my highly accurate vision, I am also very perceptive. Is that how it's spelt? Yes, I think so.

As I was saying, my talent for perception is so great, that I am able to tell that my best friend, Prongs, is slowly but surely falling in love with a certain redheaded someone. Take a scene in the Great Hall during dinner, for example. This happened just last night between our Head Girl and Head Boy. It went like this:

_**Flashback**_

"My Lily Flower! You are truly blossoming, aren't you? Look at your hair! It's redder than usual!" James said, gesturing wildly with his hands.

Lily's hand connected solidly with the raven-haired Marauder's head.

"Are you saying that I wasn't pretty before seventh-year? Are you? Or that my hair was blonde instead of red?"

"Woman, are you mad? It was a bloody compliment, not an insult! Though it probably sounded like one…"

"Potter, enough."  
"Y'know I won't stop bothering you until you agree to go out with me, right?" James said, ruffling his already messy hair.

"How could I not know? You've been asking me since fifth-year!" Lily fumed, bright red with anger and frustration.

"I've had enough, James. Just leave me be, please."

And with that, the brilliant Lily stomped off in a rather undignified manner towards her friends.

_**End flashback**_

"Prongsie dear! You're back!"

Three guesses as to who said that. Well, actually, I've changed my mind. Don't guess, because I'll tell you! Me! Of course I said that. Am I the only one who calls James Prongsie here? Once again, dear reader, another rheforical question. Or is that rhetorical? Stupid Moony mind-tricks.

"How was patrolling?" sensible Moony asks.

"Same old, same old. I say Lily smells nice, she punches me. That one's physical, I tell you."

Listening to this, I decide to form a plan to help my dearest buddy.

"Everyone! Gather around, and I shall tell you about my great plan!"  
Although Peter, James and Remus all glance at me suspiciously, I decide to tell them about my so-called plan anyway.

Here goes nothing!

_Reviews are nice, aren't they? Here's a subtle hint: I like reviews. _


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

It's been two nights since I told the Marauders about my plan. Unsurprisingly, they all agreed with me. I really am brilliant, aren't I?

Tonight, I am waiting patiently for Prongs to come and bring me to the Head Tower. Only then can we put our plan into action.

Perhaps now would be a good time to tell you that I am currently in my Animagus form. For those who don't know, I am a ridiculously good-looking dog, very much like my un-Animagus form, except for the dog part, of course.

Oh, here comes James! Now he's dragging me towards the door, and now we're walking towards the Tower.

"Padfoot, remember, don't do anything to jeopardise my chances with Lily. She's already mad at me, you know?" Prongs tells me sternly.

He really is silly sometimes. He knows full well that I can't do anything except bark. Oh wait, I can nod! Yes, I'll nod to tell him I understand, even though I'm sure that 'jeopardise' isn't really a word. Maybe I'll ask Moony later.

Right, now we're in the Head Common Room. One word to describe this place: WHOA!

With an exclamation mark, nonetheless.

This place is stunning! I would give anything to be Head Boy, except for my looks, my brains and my bark. Look, there's Evans!

I shake my collar free of James's grasp and run over to her, licking her hand eagerly. I know! A collar! Distasteful, really. Why should my dashing neck be graced with the presence of an ugly collar? James's fashion sense is really quite ghastly.

"James! Is this your dog? Why haven't I seen it before?"

"Uh, well, um, you haven't seen it before because this is the dog that I just bought. It's not really mine, though. Yeah! That's it. It's not really mine. Just a friend's."

Oh, smooth going there Prongs. I change into a dog before full moon, and all you say is that it's a FRIEND'S dog? Real smooth, man. It's such a wonderful response that I roll my eyes. Sarcasm was intended there, mind you.

"So, James, let me get this straight. You bought a dog but it's not yours. This beautiful black dog here," and with this, the Head Girl ran her hand through my fur, "is a friend's?"

Yep, you can just imagine the look of disbelief on Evans's face.

"Well, yes. It's a friend's. Look, Lily, do you mind looking after it for me tonight? I need to meet the guys at the library."

This time, a look of disbelief and surprise is displayed Evans's pretty face. I think this is because she thinks James is going to the library, though.

"Sure thing! I'd be happy to spend some time with this gorgeous dog."

Mumbling a quick word of thanks, James runs out of the room without another backward glance.

You know, I'm pretty sure that right now, Prongs would rather be the 'gorgeous dog', just so that Lily can call him gorgeous. Too bad he chose to be a stag though, right?

_Reviews! Not that I'm forcing you to review or anything._


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

"Did she really say all that? Really?" James asks me the next night.

"James, you sound like an over-eager girl for gossip, you know?" This is kindly pointed out by our werewolf friend.

Wormtail sniggers at this, and we all turn to look at him.

"What? I'm just happy that I'm not the one who sounds like a girl for once!"

Need I mention that I'm very disturbed now?

"Yep. Evans told me all about you and how much she likes you. Personally, I was stunned, you know. It's not everyday that a guy listens to a girl cry over his best mate," I tell him truthfully.

"Cried? She cried? Good Merlin, I've got to go talk to her now. If I'm making her cry, I have to say sorry!"

Without further ado, he ran out of the library at an alarming pace and headed towards the Head Tower.

"Hey! Prongs! I didn't even tell you why she was crying!"

For all my efforts of helping my best buddy out, I get rewarded with a smack to the head from Madam Pince for creating so much noise.

Oh, and did I tell you that we were actually in the library that day? Wonderful how life works, isn't it?

"Owwww, Pete, stop stepping on my foot! It's hard enough to fit under this cloak with all three of us!" I whisper.

"Sorry!"

"Both of you be quiet! We shouldn't even be here! This is James's personal business, not ours!"  
Righteous old Moony.

We were walking towards the Head Tower, only to see James and Lily talking outside in the hallway. Well, it was more like arguing, really.

"Lily! Am I that much of a git?"

Of course, more of those strange looks from the queen of facial expressions.

"What on earth are you talking about, Potter?" she asks incredulously.

Looking around, James then pulls Lily into the common room. Being the fabulously discreet people that we are, Remus, Peter and I follow the couple.

Taking a deep breath, James begins.

"Someone told me that I've been really idiotic lately."

Lily snorts.

Glaring at her, Prongs continues, "I'm really sorry. I didn't want to make you upset. It's just…"

Oh, nice. Now he's resorted to pacing around the room, idiot that he is. I never even said he was being a git!

"James, stop! You're driving me nuts with all that walking around!" Lily says, pulling him back towards the couch.

As both of them sit down heavily, James grabs Lily's hands in a final act of desperation.

"Please, Lily, just give me a chance. I promise I'll be a better person."

Sighing, Lily tells James that she really does fancy him. She just doesn't want to go out with a git like him. Honestly, neither would I. Then again, I'd have to be gay to go out with Prongs, right? Trust me, I for one, am not gay! I really couldn't say the same for every guy, you know.

Wait, what's this? It looks like Prongs and Evans are kissing! Why are they kissing? I thought Lily just called him a git!

"Correct me if I'm wrong, my fellow pranksters, but are James and Lily kissing?" I ask, mortified.

Both Remus and Pete nod their heads.

"So they're kissing even though Lily called James a git?"

The nodding of the heads continues. I swear, if they keep nodding like this, their heads will roll off one day, and then I don't know what they'll do!

Moony and Wormtail seem so immersed in watching this scene that I don't think they realise that their robes are burning. Is it my fault that I asked them to stand directly in front of the fireplace? I guess not!

_Alright. You know the deal. I hint about the review thingy, and hopefully, you guys understand! Life's great that way, doncha think?_

_Oh yeah. And just to tell you, this is the last chapter for this story. It's supposed to be a short one anyway._


End file.
